have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
