I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
