I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
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The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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