Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
