i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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