How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
