so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
