that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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