Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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