I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
