Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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