I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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