if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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