She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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