A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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