The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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