Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
