every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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