ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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