i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
