Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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