Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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