I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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