I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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