Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
