tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
