I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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