This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
