Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
