She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have feelings that need drinking.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
