if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The air taste purple.
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