I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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