I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
