I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How does it feel to date your dad?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
