its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
