I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
