So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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