I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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