We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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