I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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