Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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