When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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