In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
