What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
