Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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