I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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