You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
