So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
