Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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