she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
