Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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