he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
