I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
