as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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