Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
