I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
